An Abandoned Suicide Note
A letter I wrote to myself, for myself, before a suicide attempt that I abandoned.
The following is a suicide note from long ago for an attempt that was not followed through on. It is depressing and triggering, to say the least. I am fine and safe and this should be taken as no indication of me being in the dark state I was in at the time I wrote this letter.
I never knew what would push me towards suicide or what could. I felt that something would have to fundamentally change in my brain. A total shift in perspective must occur. Not to contemplate suicide — I already have done so for years – but to take the leap is another thing.
I can’t pin down the exact change, but suffice it to say there has been this inner peace that if I am gone, that my family will truly be better off for it in the long run. I know they’d disagree, and it’s incredibly egotistical for me to think I know their own needs better than they do. But, I can’t make decisions on my life based on reasons incomprehensible by me. I can only draw conclusions of my own, and then I have the obligation to act on it.
I don’t think I am going anywhere after this. I don’t think there is an afterlife. I think dying must be like falling asleep, a dreamless sleep, that you never awake from. You, in that sense, are gone. You are ethereal. Like a candle you are blown out and that fire as it was has ceased.
But, why not keep fighting if I don’t believe there is relief on the other side? It’s because I have hurt too many people, and bad things seem to follow me like the bubonic plague. I need to rid my unluckiness from this earth. But, before my unluckiness inevitably leads to my own death, I would rather have it under my own control to end my life.
But, that doesn’t mean my death is premature. It is coming at the right time. My heart is telling me that it’s time to go, that my time is up. I must trust that sense. I don’t believe I have anything left to contribute to the world that could not be done better by someone else. I believe my existence is a net-negative, and that it is immoral to continue onward.
That isn’t to say I am not tired, though. For all of this philosophical jargon may very well be birthed simply as an excuse to justify how tired I am. It’s like my life has been full of just going to the gym and trying to max every day. I lift and lift the heaviest thing possible, but the weight isn’t determined by me. I could be halfway up when more weight is added to the barbell, and while most have spotters, I do not. At some point the weight gets so heavy that it falls back on me and crushes my chest. The kicker of it all is that if I had been weaker, then my arms would have given out before the gravity of the weight would have been heavy enough to kill me.
There are spotters I have had out there, though – primarily my wife. But, with more kids I have come to the increasing recognition that they do not get the full attention of her with me in the mix. I am a burden to her full potential as a mother, and I selfishly consume that energy that could be placed on my children.
Thus, here I am. It is over. It is time for me to go. I’m saddened I couldn’t have left my family in a better place financially. I have failed as a provider over and over again over the years. And, even to my death, I fail at my ultimate responsibilities, and I have no gas left in the tank to try and defy these odds.
Goodbye.